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Children & Grief
Death is a natural part of life, and experts believe that even very young children should not be shielded from it. Children have the ability to understand death and often have the curiosity to ask questions about it. It is generally recommended to discuss death simply and truthfully, in a way that is appropriate for the child's age. Start by asking the child what they already know about the situation, and then explain it clearly and honestly. For example, you might say, “Grandma’s heart got very tired and stopped working, so she died.” Avoid using phrases that might confuse or scare the child, such as “Grandma went to sleep and won’t wake up” or “God took Grandma to be with the angels.” While these expressions are meant to comfort, children might take them literally and develop fears, such as being afraid to go to sleep.
Answering Questions and Providing Comfort
Allow the child to ask questions if they want to, but don’t push them if they don’t. Younger children might ask questions like “Where is Grandma now?” or “Is my kitty in heaven?” Older children may understand the finality of death better and might ask more complex questions about faith, the meaning of life, and similar topics. For all age groups, provide truthful, simple answers in terms they can understand. This approach helps children process the event in a healthy way and supports their natural curiosity and need for understanding.
How a child experiences grief is influenced by their age and emotional development.
Ages 2 to 7
Children up to 7 years old often view death as a form of separation. This can make them feel abandoned and afraid, leading to fears of being alone, reluctance to sleep alone at night, or resistance to going to school.
Young children may struggle to express their feelings verbally and might instead "act out" through temper tantrums, disobedience, or creating imaginary scenarios. Other behaviors, especially in children aged 2 to 5, might include eating, sleeping, toileting issues, or bed-wetting. Very young children under 2 may suddenly stop talking and become generally more irritable.
Ages 7 to 12
Children in this age range start to understand that death is permanent. They might see it as a personal threat, fearing their own death, or engage in "preventive" behaviors to protect themselves, such as seeking the company of someone they believe can protect them or focusing on being "brave" or "good." Some may withdraw socially or emotionally.
Signs of grief in this age group can include difficulties concentrating on schoolwork, following directions, and performing daily tasks.
Teens
Teenagers comprehend and perceive death similarly to adults but often express their grief differently. They might react dramatically or engage in reckless behaviors to "defy" death, such as reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol, using illegal drugs, or having unprotected sex.
In some cases, thoughts of suicide may arise in a grieving teen. Warning signs include a preoccupation with death, talking about suicide, or giving away possessions.
Parents should monitor any changes in their teen's behavior closely. If they suspect their teen may be in danger, they should seek professional counseling immediately.
